Her Mask

For all those dark little secrets we hide behind...

If That’s Love

Ricky and I have really been going through a lot in the last few months. Much of it has revolved around issues with his mother but maybe that’s just what started it all and brought everything to light. I’ve just learned that Ricky respects me but at the same time, he doesn’t respect me. His respect has many limitations, loop holes, and like terms to it. So sometimes he respects me and other times he doesn’t.

I’ve tried many times to talk to him and my feelings and all but more often then not, he’ll do the same shit again or simply disregard me completely. I’ve tried and tried and tried again. I’m just tired of feeling ignored and disregarded. I’m tired of feeling unheard. I don’t know where else to turn or what else to do at this point because it’s just been like this for so long. As much as I hope he’ll change, he never does. Nothing changes as much as I hope and pray that it will. It just doesn’t. Everything remains the same and unchanged. It’s grown old and I’ve grown tired.
It’s kinda like that song “If That’s Love” by Bonnie McKee. One phrase in the song is “You say love is letting you do what you want, even if the things are you doing start to ruin how I’m feeling inside.“, “You come around and you take and you take. You tear me down and I break and I break. Then you tell me that you love me baby, but is that what you call love?” And this is just how I feel all the time anymore. I hate feeling like this. I don’t feel loved or cared about or respected… and I just feel like he doesn’t care. Actions speak louder then words and I feel his actions say the opposite to what words come out of his mouth. You know? Does that make sense?

I’ve always believed that words are meaningless. They’re cheap and take nothing to say. Actions on the other hand are quite different. Actions say what words can not. Actions are worth a thousand words. They’re everything because they speak the truth. What you do says so much more then what you say. I just feel like he doesn’t really understand this concept. His actions don’t line up with his words. Or at least that’s how is seems and feels to me…

And I’m just at the point where I want to give up. I feel like I’m wasting time holdout and hoping for a change that’ll never come around. Just like the song goes on to say;

If that’s love, I’m giving up. My heart can’t take it anymore. If that’s all, it’s not enough, you’ll watch me walk right out that door. It’s like you said before, it’s nothing personal, I must be moving on. If that’s love, then I’m gone.

This is such a deep and meaningful song for me because it really describes all that I’m feeling and going through right now. And it’s hard.

Everyone is constantly telling me how I should just dump him and move on and yatta, yatta, but you know what? It’s just not nearly so easy. I love him and yes, I can see his issues. But love just isn’t that easy. Moving on, dumping someone, isn’t easy. It’s something we each have to do in our own time. Not when everyone else says or thinks that we should do it. We have to do it when we’re ready otherwise we’ll just go running back…

I guess I’m just coming to terms with accepting the fact that he’s never gonna change. I’m coming to the conclusion that I want to break up. I want to be over. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love him anymore because I do and I always will. That said, I won’t accept being treated as less then I deserve.

I’m giving all this until January sometime. If things don’t change or at least start to change, then I’m just gonna end it. I’m not gonna waste my time or wait around forever. I have other shit to do.

Sometimes though, people don’t know what they have until they’ve lost it. Maybe that’s how it’ll end up being for him. When I’m gone, he’ll realize and understand how fucked up this has all been and how his actions led to my leaving. I doubt it’ll fix anything but you never know. People change when they lose something important to them. It’s all just a question of how important I am to him.