Her Mask

For all those dark little secrets we hide behind...

More than a Bad Habit

I guess at some point, we all get tired of the same old things… We get tired of the same old excuses, the same old actions, and the same old bullshit. We get tired of going over it time and time again. The stuff hurts like hell the first few times, then after it happening so many times, it’s hurtful but we become kind of used to it. In a sense, we become numb to it. Then, after a while, we just grow tired and fed up with it.

The harsh reality is that a person can say sorry a million times over but it doesn’t mean anything if they continue to do the same behavior that they were sorry for just a short while ago. How can they be sorry but still do the same shit knowing it hurts us? It doesn’t make sense and at the very least, it’s stupid, and it makes us feel stupid for continuing to stand by them, stick up for them, and forgive them. After some time, we get tired of the repeated behavior and we come to know that it’s never going to change or get better.

At this point, I find that the hardest part is just learning to walk away. That’s where I am now. I’ve dealt with his cheating so many times it’s just gotten predictable. It’s expected anymore. It doesn’t surprise me. I don’t believe his apologies. I don’t care about the excuses. They don’t mean anything. It’s all just wasted words at this point because I know it’s going to happen again. I don’t care that it isn’t physical. It’s still cheating. The flirting, sexting, sexual photos, etc. It’s like they say, if at any point you’re doing something that you don’t want your partner to know about then you’ve already crossed a line. The issue is that he’s crossed this line more times then I can even keep track of anymore… He’s made zero attempt to make me feel better besides an apology and the same lame excuse about how he’s “trying to better himself” but I know he’s not.

The fact is that I know he’ll continue to do it. He knows it too. I’ve come to the conclusion, that for him, cheating is more important then his family. It’s more important then his son. It’s more important then me. It’s more important then our relationship. It’s more important then anything. Cheating and the act of doing it is his top priority. Now if I told him this, he’d disagree, but I mean, when you’re cheating is distorting your family, how can you say that it’s not a top priority? It’s like an alcoholic saying that the alcohol isn’t the top priority but they can’t put down the bottle. They’ll go into court drunk, argue how much their family means to them, all while they’re drunk. Why? Because the alcohol comes first. It’s the same thing for him as well. The cheating comes first.

He’ll tell you that it’s his kids. But if that were true he’d be trying to fix our relationship. He’d be focused on us and trying to make shit work with us but he’s not. He’s going behind my back and flirting with who knows how many girls. He’s focused on sending them dick pics and all that stupidity. He’s nearly 30 years old and still can’t get his life together.

Don’t get me wrong, I love him. I really do. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. He’s who I’ve planned my future with. He’s the father of my child. He’s the person I’ve invested so much into. But at the end of the day, he’s made it clear that I’m not who he wants to spend his life with. I’m not the person who he’s planning a future with. I’m not the person he wants to keep investing his time in.

He constantly tells me how if he didn’t love me then we wouldn’t be together and this can be true. You can love someone but not intend to be with them forever. You can love someone but not be planning a future with them. You can love someone but not be in love with them. And that’s the key difference here. I’m in love with him but he’s not in love with me. And it hurts. Saying it right now hurts. I’m crying. Even though I’ve known this all along or for a very long time anyway, it still hurts to admit and to say out loud – so to speak.

At some point though, we all come to terms with the reality of a situation. I guess that’s what’s happening for me. Before, I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t work. I didn’t have the money to do so. The situation isn’t like that now. I can leave if I want. Not easily and I’d struggle, but I can do it. I have an out. I have the means to leave. I don’t want to, no, but I can’t just keep going through this forever. This isn’t the life I want and this isn’t the lifestyle I want to bring my baby up in. I don’t want him to grow up thinking that cheating is okay because it most certainly is not. His dad clearly thinks it’s okay and so does his grandmother. So hell no. I’m putting an end to this cycle right now.

I love his dad. I do. But a relationship takes two people giving 100%. There’s no room for a third person. So yeah. Here we are…