Just Tonight…

Well… his birthday is coming up. April 23rd. So I’ve just been thinking about him a lot lately. And tonight is just one of those nights when I really miss him.

Honestly… I wouldn’t redo anything between Joey and I. I mean… shit happened the way it was supposed to. And my life changed because of how things went between Joey and I. I couldn’t be more thankful. I wouldn’t change a thing! …but that doesn’t make it any easier… if anything, I just wish that we could be on speaking terms again. If we could see each other and just say hi. if we were just able to talk to each other again… that would be enough.

I don’t know if Joey is my soul mate or not. I just know that there is something about him. He broke down every barrier I ever had up. And I didn’t even know he had until after he came like a thief in the night and stole my heart. haha… He changed my entire world, my whole life. He did what no one else could. He taught me how to be happy. Even after he was gone. The fire he lit inside me didn’t fade. It still hasn’t. I know how to be happy now, even though he’s gone.

Joey did what no one else in the world could. And somehow we always get pulled together in some way. And I feel like he still wants to hold onto me to some degree. Like he doesn’t want to lose me and that’s why he holds onto that money. And what Mike said. Well, implied. He didn’t want me to know why Joey was mad at me because he was afraid if I knew, Joey and I would get back together. Thus implying that whatever Joey is mad or upset about can be fixed. And we could work it out. Why would Joey leave him with that impression?

And it’s funny (like ironic) but Mark (Joeys friend/my ex, not my current bf) and Jeff are both determined to convince me that he hates me and doesn’t want me. But neither will say why or anything. Just instantly convince me he hates me and doesn’t want me. But they won’t say it when Joey is around. And one time Jeff was making a fuss about how Joey hates me and Joey found out (idk how) and he sent me a text and told me not to worry about it. To ignore Jeff because he was just trying to cause shit.

All the signs say Joey doesn’t hate me. And I know for sure that at one point, he loved me. It was the only honest thing I think he said to me. And I remember this one time, it was just once. We were in his truck and doing some off roading. He took my hand and I was just… so thankful to have him in my life, to be with him in that moment. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. And he looked at me and his eyes said the same thing I felt. It was the only time he looked at me that way (that I know of or remember).

I can’t deny the fact that he’s treated me better then any other girls he’s ever been with. Even when we weren’t dating. Even after he claimed to hate me! He still cleaned his room, up his car (if I’d be in it), let me sleep on the bed (he’d take the floor), etc. He was even there for me. Behind the scenes, there for me. When I ran over a tree in my truck and got stuck. He took me home and he coulda forgotten it right then and there and left me to deal with it. He didn’t. He stayed up all morning and got ahold of Mark and MADE SURE Mark got some of his Jeep friends to help me out. Who would go to such lengths?

Joey and I also had the longest relationship (even when we weren’t dating). Joey’s relationships last about a month. Our’s lasted 3. I know it doesn’t seem that long. But for him that’s a record.

I just… there’s something special, something deeper then normal. And I don’t know if that means we’re fated or soul mates. I don’t know if it means anything at all. But I can’t deny the facts. I can’t deny what’s there. I can’t just pretend I didn’t see it. Like he was this terrible guy, because he never was. He did some shitty things, but so did I. Joey… he was everything I wanted. And I still love him so much. But we were like poison to each other…

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