Her Mask

For all those dark little secrets we hide behind...

It’s Almost Been A Year

Last year, sometime during the first week of February (I don’t remember the exact dates), I found out I was pregnant with my ex’s baby. It was a really messy break up and we weren’t talking at all. He wouldn’t return my texts or calls or anything. We broke up cause he was mad about something – I never did find out what. So anyway, I never told him that I was pregnant. I was about 10 weeks along at the time I found out.

In the second week of March, at about 15 weeks, I lost the baby. I literally never told a single person until my current boyfriend managed to find out. I was talking in my sleep and I said something. Now, he knows, and two of my friends know. I never told my mother or even my ex – who I now talk to.

My boyfriend has kids and it’s just hard around this time, being around them, seeing them, etc. After I lost my baby, I was told by the doctor that I wasn’t fertile for one. And if I did get pregnant again, I’d probably have another miscarriage. She told me why, but honestly, I was too upset to even care enough to listen to why.

I just… It’s almost been a year and I just… I miss him or her. I could never have afforded to have a child, so it’s probably better that I lost it but still… That doesn’t make me feel any better regarding it and I don’t even really have anyone to talk to about it. My mum would be judgmental, my bf doesn’t really understand, and my two friends just don’t get it. So I feel so alone with it right now…