Her Mask

For all those dark little secrets we hide behind...

Abuse Outloud

So I finally admitted it. Not just to myself cause I had done that a while ago, but I mean, I had finally admitted it outbound, to someone else. On 7/7, I finally admitted that Joey was abusive…

I think back and remember how I defended everything he did and didn’t do. I still do this. But I can’t deny that he was also abusive towards me. It still hurts to have to admit that and to even know it because I don’t want to see it that way. I don’t want to see him like that or in that light. But I also can’t deny the truth either. It was always there, slapping me in the face, ever taunting me.

I just couldn’t deny it anymore.m when my friend was being abused in a similar way as I had been. I couldn’t say her boyfriend was abusive when mine had done the same things and wasn’t. That’s not how it works.

It’s a harsh reality to have to see someone for who they really are, rather then how you want them to be. That’s hard. It still is.

What’s really difficult and hurtful is that regardless of how abusive he was, I still have feelings for him. I still love him. I still talk about him way too much. I know this fact and I hate it.

I wish I could erase his memory and name from my mind. I wish that I could forbid his name from parting my lips but I can’t. I’m aware now though, of when I’m talking about him. I just don’t know how to stop.

There’s this guy, Mike, who I’ve dated on and off for a little while now. He reminds me so much of Joey. Don’t get me wrong! He’s no replacement. They’re so alike in many ways and yet, at the same time, they’re completely different. 

I talk about Joey too much when I’m around him. He reminds me of him. They’re alike in good ways. But Mike has never been abusive. He cheats but he’s not abusive. At least, not that I’ve experienced. He’s really sweet and makes me happy most of the time.

But I know my talking about Joey around him, hurts him. I’m trying to stop but it’s hard. It’s hard to tell your heart to stop loving someone. No matter how abusive someone is, you can still love them completely. You can still hold feelings for them. The only difference is having those feelings hurts as well. The abuse hurts and loving them hurts. No matter what, you end up hurt.

Regardless, I think I made a positive step in the right direction. Admitted he was abusive, out loud I mean, I think that’s a great step forward. It’s not just something I keep hidden to myself anymore. I know I can say it and admit to it out loud now. I feel that’s made me stinger. Even if only by a little bit.