Lately I’ve been afraid to sleep at night because I keep thinking about him and my feelings and then I just feel like crying. I feel so alone at night. So if I try to go to sleep, I can’t keep the terrifying thoughts at bay. It’s so hard.
If I wait till morning, other people in my house are awake. I can listen to them or the sounds coming from the next room. There are distractions. Not to mention, if I cry in the day time, someone might hear or see. I don’t want anyone to know what I’m going through.
I know what they’ll say. They won’t understand how I feel or what I feel. They won’t understand a thing.
My mum gets mad at me for staying up all night and then sleeping all day but it’s the only want I’ve managed to keep the tears from falling for this long. And even sometimes I slip up. It’s hard. I never dreamed it would be like this.
I think about him so often. More then ever. And all I want to do is text him and say I’m sorry and I love you but I know that it would be pointless. It would mean nothing and would fall on deaf ears. I know this and it hurts.