I’ve dealt with memory loss for several years now and it’s gotten a steadily worse. I’ve managed though without too much difficulty. Often people will explain something to me and I won’t understand and I’ll need it explained in a slower and more clear manner, kind of taking it step by step. I’ll grasp things better that way.
A lot of the time now though, it feels like more often then not, I’m having trouble comprehending. I can feel myself desperately struggling to understand what’s going on around me because I’m not comprehending it myself.
I haven’t spoken to Ricky about it. I’m almos afraid to. I’m afraid to talk about it at all because I’m afraid of being dismissed or given an “I don’t know what’s wrong with you.” Or the usual “all tests came up normal.” Because this, what I am going through isn’t normal.
Several times a week I’ll go through episodes where my fiancé or mum will say something happened and I’ll argue that it didn’t. But there could be our friends or whatever as witnesses but I, for the very life of me, will not remember. This issue used to be so rare.
And honestly; I’m terrified. I’m horrified. I’m afraid. I feel so lost. I feel so cold confused. I just don’t know what to do. Who do I talk to about this? Who do I see? I don’t even know…
And even if I went to a doctor (I went alone I wouldn’t understand what they tell me or I’d forget… you know the saying “in one ear and out the other”? That’s my life. That’s what I deal with when people talk. Not all the time but more then 80% of the time.
It makes me feel so useless and weak and stupid. Like I’m incapable of doing things. I forget how to do daily tasks. Sometimes I’ll look at my name or a simple word and question, “is that right?” Or “is that spelt right?” Because it doesn’t look right. It doesn’t feel right. But that word will be right. My name will be spelt right. But it still won’t lookor feel right. Not to me.
I hate feeling like this it’s so hard to explain and anyone can tell me how they “understand” but this isn’t something you can understand. To feel apart of yourself just slipping away and having no way to control or stop it. It’s such an empty and terrifying feeling. It’s like being unable to wake up from a nightmare. And let me tell you, there are a million things I’d rather do then sit here struggling.
But can I tell you what I wanna do? I don’t even know right now because I can’t remember… but I know there are things I want to do. There are my dreams and hopes. There’s a life I want to live and while I can’t remember it all the time, I can sometimes. I hold on so tightly to those times. When I remember. When the memory hasn’t faded away…