Maybe… This is a Bad Idea…

I’m starting to question myself. I know I’m in love with Joey. I don’t doubt that. I can’t turn away from the truth. That being said, maybe it’s a bad idea to be with him, to love him, to want him back.

I feel like I can’t fall out of love and I can’t move on because I still love him. I still think about him all the time. I can’t push his memory away. I can’t force him from my mind or from my heart.

That said, it doesn’t make any of this any easier. I feel used, not wanted. I feel listed after, not cared for. Even if he didn’t love me, I could accept that. I want to at least be cared about, even if I’m just stuffed in the friend zone. 

This all though, it’s so painful. I love him. I hate him. I want to be with him. I want to move on. I want his attention. I want him to leave me alone. I want it both ways but I can’t have it both ways. It’s all in his hands. Like always, he’s in complete control and I’m just the puppet.

I wish that I could push him away. I wish I could say no. I wish I could end it all and just walk away. I can’t though. I can’t bring myself to do that. I don’t want to lose him. I love him with every fiber of my being. I love him.

I’m such a fool, to think he cares about me. He doesn’t. I don’t mean anything to him. My heart can’t reach him. 

This time though, I won’t cry. This time around I won’t shed a tear. I knew what would happen. I knew the consequences of my choice. I know him better then anyone else. I knew how this would turn out before we even started. I knew… All along, I knew… But I didn’t want to face it. I still don’t. He’s given me no choice though. I have to face the truth.

Take a deep breath and suck it up. My heart can yearn for him, but my mind knows the truth. I just have to find a way to deal with that truth. It’s true that I may never fall out of love with him, but I have to somehow protect my heart from further heartbreak. I guess I just shouldn’t get my hopes up. I shouldn’t trust him.

It’s hard because I want to have faith in him. I want to have hope that we’ll end up together one day. I want to believe in us and him and the future and everything. It’s better to just give up though… I should just give up. I really wish I could do that at the push of a button. 

I hate this. I hate him. I love him but I hate him. I love and hate everything about him. God help me… Just take these feelings away. Just make them disappear. Forever. Please… I don’t want to go through this anymore. Why do I put myself through this? Why did I have to fall in love with him? Why did we even have to meet? …why? I just want it all to go away…